i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
