Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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