I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
