it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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