3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
