Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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