yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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