new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
