I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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