Barsexuality is the new black.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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