so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
