my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
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You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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I just want cinnabon and vodka.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.