Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i dont even know how to be here
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
