Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
