This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
