If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
