She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
