there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
