I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
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It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You've changed since you got that strap on
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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