Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
