I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
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I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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