Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
