There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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