the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
