Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
