i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
