i was born a porn star she said
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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