Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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