Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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