I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
