hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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