escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
