My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We need to get me chipped asap
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