someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
