the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
