we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
