I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
