I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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