I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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