My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
