Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
