ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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