My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
