I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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