Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was like giving head to a cactus.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
