you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
