I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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