So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize