please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
