My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
