It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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