Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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