She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
