I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
