are you still at the devil's house?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
