life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
