She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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