How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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