the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize