Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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