i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
