We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
